Actions speak louder than words

Maybe it’s because I’m a woman*, or poetically inclined, or a dramatist, or a literature student, or a writer – but words and what people say are important to me. But what if they weren’t?

Bunch of flowers

Why do words speak louder than actions? Laura Lloyd 2015

What if I just couldn’t ‘hear’ people’s words? What if I could de-emphasise what they say and see a fuller picture, based on how I know them as a whole?

I think, then, I would never be in doubt that I am loved. I’d feel lighter.

I’d stop wanting to script the whole world

Do you ever have that: when your partner doesn’t apologise exactly according to the wording you would have liked, so you don’t feel satisfied?

Or someone else’s language is a bit strong, and causes you offence or to disagree, when they are probably just expressing themselves in a vibrant manner?

Or someone you know talks annoying bollox when they are worked up about politics, but you love their company so long as you don’t get tangled in debate?

Or a friend tells interminable anecdotes and stops listening when they’ve had a drink or two, and you take it personally, as if they don’t care whether you’re really there or not, whereas they is an appreciative exchange when they are sober?

Are you ‘hearing’ all the unspoken love in your life?

There’s a book about all our modes of showing love, and how they don’t always correspond with our expectations. It’s called The Five Love Languages. It describes that crosswires, when you want someone to declare their undying adoration and name your qualities in unforgettable detail, but they only say it with diamonds. (You know, shit like that which hits me all the time).

Or there are the people in my life with whom conversation just doesn’t ever take the plunge, soar high or go deep. I can feel very disconnected and insecure in those relationships, since that’s a mode of connection I really love. But maybe it’s enough just to watch a sunset side by side.

If we recognised the other ‘love languages’ aside from words of appreciation (they are gift giving, quality time, acts of service, and touch), then we wouldn’t miss out on the other 80% of the love that’s available to us.

Talk is not dirty

Esther Perel‘s brilliant sex book, Mating In Captivity, also takes a chapter to describe the schism in relationships when one half of a couple (yep, she’s meaning us women) is over-reliant on conversation to create intimacy and connection, but the intimacy that’s created is lacking in mystery and play.

So a deep and meaningful chat is often not the route to hot sex. It closes the gap too much!

What if you just turned the volume down on the words, and up on the actions?

*Because it’s been shown that women’s brains are more advanced in the ‘language’ area. Now where did I see evidence for that recently?